The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

Private internal government alert levels are running at "Peeved" over the expenses scandal.

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the blanks" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

have never really understood these status thingys

ie white/orange or whatever or defcon 13425somethingy

always recon that the highest state of alert should be

BROWN  then you know youre right in the


SH$T