We all love Jokes but the General Discussion Area is getting rather over run with them.

So please post your Jokes here in this thread to try and "Keep General Discussion Area Tidy"

I must add anything thats either Racist or Offensive will be removed. I am sure we all know what is acceptable.


Going to leave the jokes on for a Month then clear them so 20 pages dont have to be scrolled through to see the new Jokes plus easier to keep watch over :y


Thanks



P.S.

This isn't an excuse to post any old tat.

We all like jokes, but somebody, somewhere is always the brunt of a joke. We have a global membership.

And please, as well as keeping it clean and non offensive, ffs get some original jokes, not the tired old tat currently filling this forum.

Jaime

What is the difference between Iron man And Iron woman?

One is a super hero.
The other is an instruction.

Some lowlife broke into the little sewing/knitting shop in our village last week and stole knitting needles and the like.

Since then 23 locals have been stabbed in the bum with the said weapons  :'(

Local police have just reported that they believe the culprits crimes could be following a pattern  ;D ;D

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing .
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive .
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If SHE asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!

Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

Sex with your wife -Legal and General

Sex on the phone - Direct Line

Sex with your partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

Sex with a fat bird - More Than

Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a posh bird - Privilege

sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just got an email in me spam box simply titled " Best Penis"
How does it know?

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a Kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary," said the teacher."It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F#*k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room.
;D ;D ;D

bobdent wrote on 07. Sep 2011 at 11:54:

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a Kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary," said the teacher."It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F#*k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room. ;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D :y

(with apologies to my Irish friends - if there are any left - friends that is!)

Artery.................   The study of paintings

Bacteria................. Back door to cafeteria .

Barium................... What doctors do when patients die. 

Benign.................... What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section........ A neighbourhood in Rome .

Catscan.................. Searching for Kitty

Cauterize.......... Made eye contact with her.

Colic...................... A sheep dog.

Coma..................... A punctuation mark

Dilate..... To live long. 

Enema.................... Not a friend.

Fester.................... Quicker than someone else.

Fibula..................... A small lie.

Impotent............... Distinguished, well known. 

Labour Pain.............. Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff........... A Doctor's cane.

Morbid.................... A higher offer.

Nitrates.................. Cheaper than day rates. 

Node...................... I knew it.

Outpatient................ A person who has fainted.

Pelvis....... Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........... A letter carrier. 

Recovery Room........... Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.................... Nearly killed him.

Secretion........ Hiding something.

Seizure................... Roman emperor. 

Tablet.................... A small table.

Terminal Illness......... Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour............ One plus one more.

Urine..................... Opposite of you're out. 


 
 

dad1uk wrote on 08. Sep 2011 at 04:52:

(with apologies to my Irish friends - if there are any left - friends that is!) Barium................... What doctors do when patients die.  Benign.................... What you be, after you be eight Nitrates.................. Cheaper than day rates.  Urine..................... Opposite of you're out.

:D :D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Too early for this much laughter  :y :y :y

i had a dream last night i was eating marshmellows

i woke up and my pillows had gone :o

Varche wrote on 06. Sep 2011 at 14:54:

Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having. Sex with your wife -Legal and General Sex on the phone - Direct Line Sex with your partner - Standard Life Sex with someone different - Go Compare Sex with a fat bird - More Than Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels Sex with a posh bird - Privilege sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

OHH i`m insured with Masbro where does that leave me  lol ;D ;D ;D

Tumour............ One plus one more.

:D ;D

Sex with your wife - Legal & General

Sex on the telephone- Direct Line

Sex with your partner- Standard Life

Sex with someone different- Go Compare

Sex with a fat bird - More Than

Sex on the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a posh bird- Privileged

Sex with a transvestite - confused. com

The seven qualities needed for the perfect girlfriend are beautiful, intelligent, gentle, thoughtful, innocent, trustworthy and sensible.
Or, in short, B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

A guy goes to the doctor. “Doc, I think there’s something wrong with my girlfriend. Her behaviour is really wild. Last week, she took me to the Arctic Circle to have a threesome with an Eskimo woman.”
“I’m sorry,” the doctor replied. “It sounds like she might be bipolar.”

A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time and says, “This is Amanda.”
His dad jumps up and says, “It’s a f**king what?”

;D ;D ;D

Some good 'uns there mate

Plomien wrote on 14. Sep 2011 at 09:16:

The seven qualities needed for the perfect girlfriend are beautiful, intelligent, gentle, thoughtful, innocent, trustworthy and sensible. Or, in short, B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

;D ;D :y

for sale

full set britanica encyclopedias

no longer require

wife knows it all

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON
and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop
sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence
and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete
stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f**** out of the
lawyer and says,

'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon ???

An oldie but none the less amusing for that and worth a repeat....

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,” he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?” Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, sir!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely. A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”

;D ;D

The vicar was walking down the street when he came across Lucy playing outside her house

Vicar: ( deep serious voice) hello Lucy how are you today
Lucy: ( sweet inocent voice) Hi vicar iam fine thanks
Vicar: thats a very pretty dress your wearing
Lucy thankyou i got it for my 7th birthday
Vicar oh how nice what else did you get
Lucy: i got a doll , a little pink handbag ( from daz) and these red shinny shoes and this dog
Vicar: wow thats a lovely dog whats his name
Lucy: we call him Porky
Vicar: Porky thats a strange name why do you call him that
Lucy: becuase he f**ks pigs

A man was sunbathing in the nude and burned his penis.
His doctor told him to dip it in a saucer of milk to ease the pain.
Later, his blonde wife comes home to find him with his dick in the saucer of milk. 'F**k me,' she remarks. 'I always wondered how you re-loaded those things!'

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it
for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does
everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."