What is the difference between Iron man And Iron woman?

One is a super hero.
The other is an instruction.

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing .
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive .
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If SHE asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I just got an email in me spam box simply titled " Best Penis"
How does it know?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a Kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary," said the teacher."It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F#*k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room.

(with apologies to my Irish friends - if there are any left - friends that is!)

Artery.................   The study of paintings

Bacteria................. Back door to cafeteria .

Barium................... What doctors do when patients die. 

Benign.................... What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section........ A neighbourhood in Rome .

Catscan.................. Searching for Kitty

Cauterize.......... Made eye contact with her.

Colic...................... A sheep dog.

Coma..................... A punctuation mark

Dilate..... To live long. 

Enema.................... Not a friend.

Fester.................... Quicker than someone else.

Fibula..................... A small lie.

Impotent............... Distinguished, well known. 

Labour Pain.............. Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff........... A Doctor's cane.

Morbid.................... A higher offer.

Nitrates.................. Cheaper than day rates. 

Node...................... I knew it.

Outpatient................ A person who has fainted.

Pelvis....... Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........... A letter carrier. 

Recovery Room........... Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.................... Nearly killed him.

Secretion........ Hiding something.

Seizure................... Roman emperor. 

Tablet.................... A small table.

Terminal Illness......... Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour............ One plus one more.

Urine..................... Opposite of you're out. 


 
 

i had a dream last night i was eating marshmellows

i woke up and my pillows had gone

Tumour............ One plus one more.

The seven qualities needed for the perfect girlfriend are beautiful, intelligent, gentle, thoughtful, innocent, trustworthy and sensible.
Or, in short, B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time and says, “This is Amanda.”
His dad jumps up and says, “It’s a f**king what?”

Plomien wrote on 14. Sep 2011 at 09:16:

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON
and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop
sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence
and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete
stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f**** out of the
lawyer and says,

'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon ???

The vicar was walking down the street when he came across Lucy playing outside her house

Vicar: ( deep serious voice) hello Lucy how are you today
Lucy: ( sweet inocent voice) Hi vicar iam fine thanks
Vicar: thats a very pretty dress your wearing
Lucy thankyou i got it for my 7th birthday
Vicar oh how nice what else did you get
Lucy: i got a doll , a little pink handbag ( from daz) and these red shinny shoes and this dog
Vicar: wow thats a lovely dog whats his name
Lucy: we call him Porky
Vicar: Porky thats a strange name why do you call him that
Lucy: becuase he f**ks pigs

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it
for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does
everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."